well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
