Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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