im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
