Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
