i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
i now understand why vodka
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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