I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
