she takes plan B like it's going out of style
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
