We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
