I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
