Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
