where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
