I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
