This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
