I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
