I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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