She's JV to your varsity
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
