Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
