So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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