too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
