Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
please come you make the beer taste better
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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