this beer tastes like vomit already
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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