Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
