cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
