Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
soo... how was my night?
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