take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
