the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
