so let's talk penis.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize