as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
