You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
