you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
