I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
