my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
