Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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