she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize