I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
