Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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