is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
