My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
