i was rollin on her like bob the builder
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
