so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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