Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
