is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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