I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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