conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
now i know why i became what i already was.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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