Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
