her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
