our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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