On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
