Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
