I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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