you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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