i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
