It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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