So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize